


Too Much Space, Give Me A Little More

by Faltering_Light



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Tarsus IV, but very subtly, judicious use of very questionable pickup lines, not even outright mentioned at any point, tw for mention of intestinal parasites: very brief joke no one actually has any
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 17:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18473314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faltering_Light/pseuds/Faltering_Light
Summary: An old friend sends Jim a book of 21st Century pickup lines. Bones is not impressed, not by a long shot.





	Too Much Space, Give Me A Little More

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for the "Space" square in the Kirk/McCoy column on my Boldly Bingo card!
> 
> A warning: Bones is an absolute dick for a bit of this. Like, seriously a dick, in a "a defense mechanism that used to help me in a very specific situation is now causing me to lash out at people who really don't deserve it" kind of way. It's addressed directly but the worst of his behavior isn't neatly wrapped up in a bow on-screen even though it's implied that he discusses things with the person in question at some point in the very near future. If that lack of closure for this type of situation is going to bother you, you might want to skip this one.

Len knew he would regret the day’s visit to the bridge the second Jim swiveled around in that damned chair sporting the sort of maniacal grin that only ever came before ideas that were bad on a level of ‘taking on over ten much more sober people in a bar’ and ‘I’m running the ‘Maru again and I’m gonna beat it this time’ and ‘let’s glue all of Pike’s pens to his desk as a surprise’, the Jim Kirk Specialty Plans. One look at that and he turned on his heel and headed straight back to the turbolift. The little shit was  _ Spock’s  _ problem while they were on shift.

“Boooones, where are you going? You just got here! Stay for a minute, pull up a seat! Hell, borrow mine!”

Oh no, if Jim was desperate enough to offer up  _ his _ chair, the coveted  _ Captain’s _ chair, there was no way in hell he was getting dragged into this. He looked back over his shoulder without breaking his stride. “Nope, sorry, just remembered I have an appointment to keep. Later, Jim.”

Unfortunately, Nyota could move pretty damned fast when she wanted to, and she knew just how to work in people’s blind spots when she was after cutting them off from escaping, especially when she was making use of the kind of distraction Jim usually provided. The saccharine smile she aimed at him as she stopped him, hand planted over his sternum and gently yet forcibly guiding him backwards, let him know in no uncertain terms that he was very, very screwed. “If I have to deal with this particular round of insanity, you do too.”

Jim loosed a noise that couldn’t be called anything short of a cackle. “Come on, it’s not that bad!”

“It’s that bad, sir.” Despite his statement, Sulu was clearly enjoying himself. Not a good sign, seeing how as he was Kirk Enabler Number One.

“They are very funny, but I do not think they are very good.” Kirk Enabler Number Two chimed in right on cue, smiling just as wide as Sulu.

“See, Bones? They can’t be all that bad, Pasha thinks they’re funny.”

Jim looked like that actually counted in his favor, so it was obviously time to deflate him a bit. “Pasha also thinks your knock knock jokes are funny, so there’s no accounting for taste there.”

The kid in question just laughed and turned back to face his station, knowing the drill well enough to let Jim jump in and defend his honor. “Hey, my knock knock jokes are great! And  _ these _ are  _ so much better _ .” He held up the book in his lap and wiggled it a bit. “I mean, if you  _ want _ to miss out on the find of the century...”

He gave a long-suffering sigh. This far out from the next set of coordinates on their agenda, it really would be easier to give in now instead of letting Jim get it into his head to make convincing him to check out whatever the hell it was into his next ‘interim travel game’ or whatever the hell he’d call it this time. “Fine, I’ll bite. Why the hell do you have a paper book? Use a damn padd like a normal person.”

“Well, you see,” Jim got himself situated perfectly in his chair just for dramatic effect, book displayed proudly so that the cover was clearly visible, “a friend of mine sent me a subspace message a few days ago, but it was just a string of numbers, see? I’ve told you about Tom before, this is a game we play, right? It took me a bit to figure it out, but it was the right fit for a replicator code! So I tweaked mine a bit, plugged the code into the program, and this popped out.”

Nyota took the opportunity to chime in again. “And we’re going to have to suffer the consequences for the next month at least, I’d say, at this rate.”

Jim shot her an exasperated look that Len could tell was covering a bit of genuine annoyance. The two had gotten on a bit better recently, but sometimes one or the other of them would take offence where they shouldn’t, or snark harder than they should, and someone had to step in. Which meant that  _ he  _ had to step in, because Spock was next to useless here- not that keeping things civil between the Captain and the rest of the crew was part of his damned  _ job _ as First Officer or anything- and no one else dared to cross Nyota. Time to bite the bullet and figure out what was going on, in the name of seeing if he needed to avert potential bloodshed if nothing else- knowing how Jim knew Tom he’d like to side with him on principle, but he also knew enough of that story to know damn good and well that Tom was one of the earliest Certified Kirk Enablers, so he might end up siding with Nyota regardless. “And what is it, exactly, that we’re suffering? Books usually get us a day or two of  _ quiet _ , not extra fuss.”

Jim bounced over in full-on puppy mode and displayed his new treasure again close enough for him to actually see it properly, proudly pointing at the title like he’d written it himself, maniacal grin back in place. “It has huge sections just for sciences and space!”

Len groaned and slumped forward, dragging both hands over his face.

In bright pink, bubble block font, on a psychedelic nebula-esque background in colors he truly hoped weren’t something they’d ever come across in nature, read “100,000 Best Pickup Lines of the 21st Century”.

It was going to be a long few weeks.

 

* * *

 

At least in the mess hall he was prepared for it. Jim dropped his tray and followed it down just as carelessly, almost missing his seat in his excitement. “Bones! Have you swallowed a magnet along with that salad? Because you’re  _ very _ attractive.”

“Kid, I’m pretty damn sure I’d notice something like that, being a doctor and all.”

Jim snickered and dug into his... He wasn’t sure what that was, actually, but if it kept him quiet, he’d lay off about his dietary plan just this once.

 

* * *

 

Sickbay was also expected, but a fuck of a lot more annoying. “Jim, not now. I’m working.”

Jim pouted and tried out his best puppy eyes. “You’re doing inventory, you can talk while you do that.”

“Nope.”

“You talk to Chris while you do it. And M’Benga. And-”

He cut him off with a loud sigh. “Fine. Hit me.”

“Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what  _ you're _ doing tonight.”

Seeing Jim smile like that was almost worth it.  _ Almost. _

 

* * *

 

Engineering was definitely not expected, especially since he wasn’t planning on running into Jim at all- but wonder of wonders, that familiar voice sounded off just as he was finishing patching up a particularly nasty electrical burn. “While we’re down here, care to experience some thrust?”

He scowled as the ensign he was patching up turned bright red and started coughing. If he was a lesser person, he’d tie off the bandage just a tiny little bit too tight when he finished up, but that would be  _ unethical _ and  _ immoral _ even though it’d be very, very satisfying. “Jim, the entire ship experiences it when the thrusters are on, and literally no one wants to feel it or we wouldn’t have inertial dampeners in the first place.”

Jim started laughing. “Did you really just... If we’re sticking with the metaphor here, did you just compare the dampeners to condoms?”

He took a deep breath, and if he had to count to ten, no one would ever need to know. “Jim, you’ve read too many of the wrong sort of old books- you can still feel things when you use a condom.”

“How the hell would I know? No one uses them anymore, there are a ton of more effective contraceptives that last a lot longer than a single use. Can you even imagine though, having to replace the dampeners every time we used them?” He laughed again.

The entire encounter was absolutely worth it for the chance to watch both Jim and the unfortunate ensign grow more and more pale as he described, in great detail, how exactly condoms worked and what sorts of situations still required them and the handful of conditions and contraindications that meant some people- even a few members of this very crew- were limited to them and other, similar contraceptives like dental dams. Jim wouldn’t learn his lesson, he wasn’t that lucky, but maybe the ensign would think twice about doing something that could land herself injured badly enough Scotty was afraid to move her to get her up to Medbay and into a nice biobed.

 

* * *

 

The ready room made in onto the expected list, but the how of it was nowhere close to what he had imagined. And of course he’d imagined it, he wasn’t a saint by a long shot, and Jim was making it pretty fucking difficult to ignore certain feelings that he’d been doing a damned good job of ignoring right up until now. Even with all the scenarios he’d run, setting himself up for it just by sitting where he always sat and asking something as simple as “So, what’s our next assignment?” hadn’t featured even once.

When Jim gave him the patented Kirk once-over before replying “Exploring Uranus” he just got back up and walked out, briefing be damned. Someone would fill him in later. In the meantime, he had surprise mandatory physicals to schedule for every single member of the senior staff who had laughed- and he’d be including Spock just on principle, he hadn’t actually looked but he just  _ knew _ that the damn hobgoblin had his ‘Vulcans do not express emotion and I am definitely not experiencing amusement’ face on.

 

* * *

 

Ambushes in the halls weren’t exactly uncommon. He’d be walking along, minding his own damn business, and then suddenly, “Hey baby, mind if i send my probe into your wormhole?”

“Yes, Jim, in fact I mind that a lot. You know, as a doctor I could ask what the hell you’re implying about potential parasitic infestations, right?”

Jim blanched and took a step away. “You’re not contagious, are you?”

“Jim, I swear to god-”

“Aw, Bones, relax!” He fell in step with him again and looped an arm around his shoulders. “I’d still want to probe you even if you really were full of worms.”

A beat and Jim was running, Bones close behind, hypo in hand and ready. Vitamins, of course, and something Jim really was due for, even if he was yelling about sedating him and mandatory psych evals for that quite frankly disgusting comment right up until he caught him.

 

* * *

Ready room round two wasn’t quite as bad, but only because Jim waited until one of Spock’s science minions was well into her portion of the briefing, relaying relevant information the sensors had picked up about the next planet they were surveying up close and personal instead of just taking readings from a distance.

Having “I’d love to explore your latitudes and longitudes” whispered directly in his ear helped him with exactly none of his current problems, so he just elbowed Jim in hopes of getting him to knock it off. A futile effort, of course, but no one could say he didn’t try.

“Oof! Aw, c’mon, Bones, I just want to explore that celestial body of yours!”

“Jim, why the hell don’t you pick on someone else for a minute? I’m trying to pay attention, here.”

“You were drawing on your padd. Plus, I just can’t resist your gravitational pull.”

“What are you even going to do if I say yes one of these days?” Edging dangerous ground there, but he was pretty sure he’d sounded exasperated enough to cover it.

Jim perked up almost too exaggeratedly. “Does this mean you finally decided to join the thousand-mile-high club with me?”

“Jim, I think we’re a bit further from Earth than that.”

“The thousand-lightyear-high club?”

“No.”

“Aw, c’mon, Bones- in this entire universe, all I want is  _ you _ .”

Damnit, he could feel himself blushing at that one, and he was pretty sure he’d just heard either Pasha or Nyota make some sort of deranged cooing sound- well, shit, if he was blushing he could be a little nicer, it was probably a genuine cooing sound because that had actually been damned smooth. And cute. Damn it, he was really fucked, and he’d probably find that phrase featuring in one too many daydreams for the next long while.  _ Fuck _ .

He wasn’t sure if getting him to blush had been some unstated goal or if the reminder that they had an audience was what did it- almost undoubtedly the former because James Tiberius Kirk didn’t have an ounce of shame in his body- but he was a bit relieved that Jim kept quiet through the rest of the briefing.

 

* * *

 

The observatory hadn’t made the list, but only because he hated it with its giant window giving a brilliant display of every single reason he had never wanted a posting like this. Vast. Immeasurable. Black. Cold. Close enough to reach out and touch it. Close enough that the tiniest scratch on the hull, the smallest crack in one of the viewing panes, and they would all die. Slowly. Painfully. He’d be willing to bet most of the crew had no idea what would actually happen when they hit vacuum without protection, but he knew. He could recite the full timeline front and back in his sleep- and in his worst nightmares, he did, sometimes. He was never sure when he woke up if it was better to be listing the details for himself or about someone he knew trapped out there, far beyond his help.

Jim was quiet when he settled in next to him on the sofa, one of many tucked up against the walls.

He let the silence sit until it was too heavy to take any longer. “You gonna tell me off for snapping at Chris like that?” It had been bad, much worse than usual. Fortunately he’d managed to reign himself in and go cool down in his office before he seriously crossed a line, but it had been close, and he’d still gotten off a few particularly cutting remarks first. It was an old defense mechanism, lashing out at people who were prying too much, but one he was far past needing these days. Unfortunately, higher stress lessened the effectiveness of his coping skills, and sometimes he didn’t catch himself before he mouthed off. He damn well knew he should have taken the day off, and he was regretting the decision to try to push through it now- he’d known today would be bad, had been for years, and not calling off had been nothing short of pure stupid. Hell, he should have made sure he wasn’t scheduled for today in the first place, he would have avoided the whole mess entirely.

“Nah. Not today, Bones.” Jim leaned over just enough to bump him with his shoulder. “Plus, you have a hell of a team down there- I’m sure she’ll rip you a new one herself later.”

He couldn’t help smiling for a second. “Yeah, we got real lucky, snapping her up when we did- did you know she was after a posting on one of the farthest bases? One of the best places for frontier medicine, full of new species in and out on the regular, but a hell of a lot safer than a ship like ours. Stationary, mostly. On a set supply chain... A set schedule of resupplies and transport to anywhere in the Federation you could want to get to. Hell, we’d’ve gotten home and found Dr Chapel headlining a dozen publications across twice as many fields, I’d bet.”

“She still will, Bones. I’ve read her work, and you know we send all that stuff out when we’re in range.”

“You’ve read her papers?”

Jim blushed a bit at his surprise and shifted a little, fidgeting. “Well... Only the stuff you’ve collaborated on.”

“Wait, you read  _ my _ papers?” That was even more of a surprise, and the incredulity of his tone jumped to match.

“All of them. Always have, since back in the Academy.”

“...Jim, coming from you, for anyone else? That’d be one hell of a confession.”

He wasn’t sure what sort of expression it was that Jim fought back so quickly, it was smoothed into a tight smile too fast for him to analyze it- not that he was at his best tonight of all nights anyway. “Nah, you know me- I’m a lot more direct than that. Like, how about this one- want to head back to my room? I can show you the...  _ Captain’s log _ .”

That one actually managed to startle a laugh out of him. He patted Jim’s knee and smiled at him, knowing it would only encourage him but not really caring. “I’ve heard it’s not that impressive.”

“Oh, come on, Bones! I’m hung like a Foucault pendulum.”

Oh, he looked so  _ smug _ with that one! “Too bad we’re not on Earth, Jimmy Boy.”

Jim’s voice dropped and roughened to something he had to know no one used outside of over-the-top holovids. “That’s not a problem- in my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.”

He laughed again, and found that he had trouble stopping this time around. He laughed long and hard enough that he started crying, and he didn’t bother trying to stop that even when he did finally stop laughing. Anyone else would have started asking questions and, in his department at least, probably started running scans- but Jim just started rubbing his back nice and slow, just quietly providing company and comfort, and if Jim had to help him back to his quarters after a while, he could just let him and rest easy knowing that no one else on the ship would ever know why even if they had seen- Jim would never say a word.

 

* * *

Jim took a few seconds to evaluate him the next morning when he decided that dropping by the bridge before he headed to start his shift might not hurt- Chris was damned terrifying when she was on the warpath, and knowing he deserved it didn’t make him want to face it any sooner. Apparently he judged him to be okay enough, because he decided to open with “Is that a tricorder in your pocket or are you just that happy to see me?”

“Hey, Nyota.”

She gave a distracted hum and kept working.

“How do you debunk an alien?”

The strangeness of the question caught her focus and she turned to give him an eyebrow raise to rival Spock’s. “Do I want to know?”

He gave her a wicked grin and shoved Jim’s shoulder hard, sending him sprawling onto the deck as he dropped down behind him to take his coveted seat in the Captain’s chair. “By throwing him out of bed.”

The rest of the bridge crew had turned to find the source of the sound Jim hitting the floor had made, and it was dead silent for a moment- no one was quite sure how to react. The tension was only broken by Nyota’s melodic laughter after she recovered from her initial startlement. Jim shifted from horribly indignant into horribly delighted at the sound and he joined her after a moment, prompting the rest of the bridge to relax and follow suit.

Len even smiled a bit himself. Moments like this, surrounded by laughter and the makings of family, were something he hadn’t expected when he signed on, but they sure helped make the whole thing worth it.

 

* * *

“I bet your phaser is always set on... stunning.”

“Damnit Jim, I’m a Doctor, not a Security Officer! I don’t have a phaser!”

He’d had one hell of a morning so he’d been a good bit more harsh than usual, but he still wasn’t expecting the playfulness drop quite so abruptly, Jim shifting from teasing and being all up in his space as usual to suddenly registering as much more serious, much more intense. A hardened warrior, a leader instead of a rambunctious puppy, but still just as close. “You should. Just in case.”

“Hippocratic Oath, Jim. _ Do no harm _ .”

“How are you going to help your patients if you’re  _ dead _ ?”

“Transporter ready, Captain.”

He was a bit impressed with himself for not being visibly shaken when Jim pulled away. Having him shift so suddenly from silky and charming to cold and vehement would be enough to make anyone good and well paranoid about heading planetside, even for a diplomatic mission like this one. It was easier to brush off the foreboding feeling when he remembered that- this was a fully vetted planet, they were headed to a safe venue, and they would be meeting with people who were, by all accounts, extremely laid back for career politicians. Hell, if there was any chance of this going sideways like so many previous missions had, he wouldn’t be beaming down in the first place! He understood where Jim was coming from- he’d been the one to do the damn  _ autopsies _ , which most of the crew seemed to forget half the damn time! He’d had to write out a full description covering every single scratch and scrape and bruise and tear and ruptured organ and toxin in the bloodstream, in the muscle, the one to tuck them into cryotubes for transport instead of into biobeds where he could help them instead of writing up a cause of death... 

Yes, it was easy indeed to understand why Jim worried.

Still, it was a milk run. Sure, he’d still checked his medkit over thrice more than regulation called for, but that was just good practice. Nothing would go wrong.

 

* * *

“According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me, so let’s get you up off the ground, okay? Cave floors aren’t exactly the best option for staying warm when  _ I’m _ here, you know?”

He wasn’t out of it enough yet to only see the bravado. He reached up to cup Jim’s cheek, brush away some of those tears that were tracking through the dust and grime before they dripped down any further, only for his Captain to stop him before he managed to make it even halfway and redirect him back to putting pressure on his wound.

“Bones, I love you, but not enough to let you wipe your blood all over my face, okay? And I was serious, hold  _ still _ .”

“I wasn’t going anywhere.” He harrumphed, mostly as a distraction for them both as he fought to stay lax while Jim squirmed up half under him to get him off the cold stone and grit. It wouldn’t do to put the wrong kind of pressure on his side and risk increasing blood flow instead of stemming it, or worse yet, further tearing the thin membrane keeping his organs inside his abdominal cavity. Sometimes being a Doctor really fucking sucked, and being injured yourself was the second to worst of those occasions.

“You had damn well better not. You’re not allowed to die on me, Bones.” Jim squeezed him just the tiniest bit, not enough to do much more than let him feel the slightest bit of pressure normally. It sent white-hot pain lancing through him. Easy enough to hide it, at least one of them should have their pain minimized, and it would be so much more easy to help Jim than to do anything for himself here. Checking his medkit near obsessively like that hadn’t mattered one single bit after all, there was nothing in there that would do anything for a wound this severe. “Not before we take that vacation. Uranus, remember?”

He laughed and then gave a low moan, curling in around the gash in his side. Fucking  _ spears _ of all things... “Alright, Jim, alright. Christ, kid.” He panted out a few shuddering breaths before carefully loosening up again, letting his head loll back so he could get a good look at Jim’s face. More a blur than anything at this point, but Jim didn’t need to know that. “You know... I think if I make it out of here, we really should, even though I think you were talking about a mission when you slipped that one in and not a vacation.”

“ _ When _ we make it out of here, we  _ will.” _

“I mean it, Jim. The whole thing, I mean, you and me, not just... Not just hanging out in orbit and watching the storms.”

Suddenly Jim was so still. It hurt more than the fidgeting he probably didn’t even know he was doing- the little sparks and flares were nothing compared to the cutting ache of seeing exactly how blindsided he was. “Bones?”

He gentled his voice to match the bereft tone. If he never heard his name that way again it would still be too soon. So fragile... “I mean it, Jim. Really, I do. I... I know you were always just fooling around, but still...”   
  


“Bones-”

“No, no, let me- just- I know it wouldn’t have meant the same to you, but we could have... We could have... Hell, I know you’d... And that’s  _ not _ -”

“Fuck, Bones, of course not, you’re one of the only ones who didn’t think that I was some sort of, of slut or something, I would never think you meant-”

“We could’ve, and I could’ve pretended you...”

“I do, though! Bones!”

The sheer anguish in his voice was a splash of ice water, just enough to force him the slightest bit more lucid. “Don’t. Just... Don’t. Not just because it’s like this.”

“I’m not, you’re not dying damnit, and I mean it! I... Fuck, you know it started as teasing, just something to do during down time, but Bones.  _ Bones _ . I  _ love _ you, don’t fucking try to tell me I don’t, I have for a long time now, way before Tom even sent me that stupid book, and I thought... Fuck, you always acted so... So... Fuck, I don’t know! You didn’t  _ want _ me like that! You never... You never, not even  _ once _ -”

“Stop. Jim, just... Stop. Please. Please? I don’t want to... I’m  _ cold _ , I don’t want to... I wanted you to know, to tell you the truth for once, I didn’t... Don’t lie to me. Please?” If he’d known it would be like this... No. No, even with Jim sliding quickly into barely stifled sobbing, even with the frisson of anger at his feelings being trivialized when he finally managed to voice them, he  _ had  _ voiced them. And really, it was just so  _ Jim _ to try to give him whatever he wanted at a time like this.

It took a moment for him to muddle back through his own stream of consciousness to latch onto what should have caught his attention the first time around. He was cold, but it didn’t hurt. Jim was sobbing outright, shaking under him, he could feel himself moving... and it didn’t hurt. He licked his lips, finding it harder to get talking now that he’d rested for even so short a time. “Jim?”

A beat of tense silence.

“Jim, if... we’re pre... pretending... Can... Can you...? Just once? Just want... want to see... what it... it would’ve...  _ felt _ like... kissing you, I mean.”

He wasn’t sure Jim had heard him for a while. Probably felt like longer than it was, all loose and floating and painless. Just waiting, for one thing or another, eyes closed even though he couldn’t remember going from dim to just plain dark. That was the real tragedy, really, he thought, not being able to see Jim at the end.

When Jim did finally shift them around and brush their lips together, tentatively and then firmer, harder,  _ desperately _ , he thought that having his dying wish granted before his soul was whisked off to wherever it was souls were whisked off to wasn’t really that bad a deal.

 

* * *

 

When he woke, even the bruises on his lips weren’t enough to convince him at first that it had been real and not a hallucination caused by the chemical cocktail the body tosses together to make the passing approach bliss, if it only has enough time.

He couldn’t think of anything else that would keep Jim from being tucked up in a chair next to him, though. Damned if he really hadn’t spilled his guts just as much metaphorically as he had literally.

 

* * *

A week or so after that initial denial broke, the mental aches were hitting him a hell of a lot harder than his lingering physical ones. Minor tissue damage had been ignored in favor of not taxing his body overmuch as the various regenerators pulled on his body’s resources to knit his side back together (and if he kept touching his lips just to feel the more pleasant brush of pain from the bruises there, thank god no one noticed, he already felt guilty enough over it).

Unfortunately, even with nearly every biobed full, it was nearly impossible to avoid a determined Jim Kirk. Hell, he was surprised the medical lockdown he’d set for himself had kept him away in the first place. Potential for contamination hadn’t stopped Jim before, given that it was easy enough to scrub nearly completely sterile with today’s technology, and especially since he undoubtedly knew that the lockdown wasn’t quite really necessary.

It just figures he’d opt to show up during a damned crisis- another look around to reevaluate and see if he needed to re-prioritize anyone showed that they were officially out of beds, and a few of the nurses were dragging out cots to set up for temporary use until they had things a bit more sorted out. It would be a hell of a lot easier if there wasn’t so much red everywhere- the idiots down in engineering had failed yet again to worry as much about safety protocols as whatever new streamlining or maximizing or whatever the hell they’d managed to blow themselves up with this time, and with this much movement, it could be more difficult than it needed to be to tell who was bleeding and who wasn’t. One of these days he was going to submit a fucking complaint about that.

The silence was getting to him. It was loud as only a medical facility could be, of course, but Jim hadn’t said one word in the hour or so since he’d arrived. He hadn’t gotten in the way, either, shadowing him closely and still keeping out from underfoot for once, especially when the engineers started filing in. It was outright disturbing at this point, and his determination to continue ignoring his problem until it went away finally cracked. He was usually calmer and he  _ needed _ to find that focus to handle a disaster of this scale, it didn’t fucking matter that it looked like they had almost wrapped everything up at this point and were down to minor injuries, and really there hadn’t even been anything he would call a major injury, but he had a job to do and it was one that damn well deserved his full attention!

“Don’t you have a bridge to be on?”

He silently cursed himself as Jim brightened, smiling for the first time since he’d wandered in. If he’d been any less familiar with him he might have missed the wary edge to it, the way he held himself slightly too tensely to really be quite  _ that _ excited. “Not today! I have the day off."

“Because you’ve ever let that keep you from the chair before.” Familiar banter, but lacking the levity it had always carried before.

“Well, see, something’s different this time.” That carefully crafted grin widened the tiniest bit, and he had a sinking feeling that whatever that difference was, he didn’t want to hear it and Jim damn well shouldn’t say it.

Still, replying to Jim was one hell of an ingrained response at this point. “And what would that be?”

Jim took a step closer, and that sinking feeling bottomed out as his Captain, his friend, hesitated for a moment, licking his lips before saying something even worse than he’d thought he might. “I think you might be a star, Bones.”

Suddenly more tense than he’d ever though possible, he took a half-step back, his words taking on a warning edge. “Do I even want to know?”

Jim hesitated just once more before edging in closer to flutter his eyelashes coquettishly. “Because I can't stop orbiting around you!”

“Jim.”

“Yes, Bones?”

“ _ Get the hell out of my sickbay. _ ”

He wasn’t sure if he should be vindicated or nauseous when Jim flinched back as if he’d been struck and went as pale as the sparkling white medbay walls, but it was a bit of a moot point. He felt both in equal measure as he watched him tuck tail, only barely dodging staff and patients alike as he quickly made his way to and then out of the closest exit.

 

* * *

He refused to react when Nyota set her tray down and settled into the seat across from him. It was unexpected. She was unexpected, at least- he had been waiting for someone to approach him over the past few days, but he had figured it would be Sulu or Pasha. Hell, if anyone had asked he’d have even ranked Spock over her as ‘most likely to step in on Jim’s behalf’- she still acted like she wasn’t sure if she should salute or slap him half the time.

Fine, maybe closer to a quarter of the time now at most, and usually only if he said something that could easily be taken badly, and mostly in reaction to catching the middle of a conversation just at the wrong time because either she had a hell of a knack for that or Jim was just really unlucky in that one very specific area, but still. She was far from his number one fan.

All that aside, she had a really unique ability to slowly ramp up the pressure just by sitting calmly and behaving perfectly normally, and she was using it to full effect now. Each bite of her stew was perfectly portioned, her movements were smooth and evenly paced. There was absolutely no indication that anything was out of sorts. He knew it was all down to very intentional micro-expressions and subtle body language he couldn’t pinpoint even though he knew she was doing every single bit of it in a very controlled way just to get under his skin and in his head, but he still wanted to fidget just as bad as he had all the way back in elementary school when his mom picked him up from the principal’s office.

It wasn’t any of her damned  _ business _ .

“You need to fix it.”

Her calm was suddenly bordering on infuriating. “Fix  _ what _ ?” 

“Whatever you did to the Captain.”

“I didn’t do anything.” If his next bite was stabbed a little more forcibly than necessary, he really didn’t give a shit.

“Then why haven’t you been coming to the bridge?”

“I’ve been busy.”

“With... what, exactly? It’s been over a week since the last away mission. Engineering is running routine scans instead of trying to ‘fix things that already work’, to borrow a phase. You’ve had, what, three patients this week?”

“Vaccine schedules.”

“Are fully computer generated.”

“And I have to go in and manually confirm that they’re accurate and adjust for contraindications with every single medication regimen of everyone on board before I start implementing them.”

She narrowed her eyes, pointedly letting him know she was calling bullshit but didn’t know enough about his job to try following that thread. “He’s sulking.”

“He’ll get over it.”

“Will he?”

“Once he pulls his head out of his ass, yes.”

She actually looked surprised at that. “Excuse me?"

“Once he stops trying to pull this self-sacrificing  _ bullshit _ , he’ll be  _ fine _ .”

“...You’re serious.”

“No shit.”

“Len, he’s been in love with you since at least halfway through your first year.”

“Like hell. And how would you even know? You were actively avoiding him up until, what, three months ago? Four, tops.”

“You have to be familiar with someone’s schedule to avoid them properly, and he isn’t exactly subtle about it.”

“I would have noticed, we were  _ living _ together.”

“And in all this time, you haven’t once seen the way he looks at you?”

“Oh, for fucks sake- I was dying, and he was  _ upset _ , and it’s Jim Kirk 101 that that fucking idiot will do anything for anyone who’s nice to him for more than five fucking seconds,  _ especially _ at his own expense- he is not fucking  _ in love _ with me, he’s trying to give me some sort of- of- fucking loyalty reward or some bullshit, and you shouldn’t fucking encourage him! And I can’t believe you’re even saying that so confidently, for someone who read him as a fucking backwoods hick the first time you saw him- not the best track record with this one,  _ Chief Communications Officer _ Uhura.” Everything coming out of his mouth was either untrue or exaggerated and unfair or outright cruel, and the last bit directed right at her chosen specialty was a low blow and he knew it, but he was too pissed to care.

Nyota bit her lip for a second, but that brief show of doubt was all she let slip through. “I wouldn’t be so sure about this if Gaila hadn’t told me-”

“And you took the word of an  _ Orion _ on  _ love _ ?”

They both froze, his statement hanging thick between them. Nyota looked as shocked as he felt that he’d actually gone that far, said something that blatantly xenophobic and stereotyped.

She collected herself quickly, standing abruptly and collecting her bowl almost mechanically. “You know, I really was wrong about both of you. Jim is a good man, and shaping up to be a great Captain. But you? You’re  _ worse _ than I ever even  _ thought _ he might be.”

He could only watch as she walked away, still speechless and immobile.

 

* * *

He stared at the application for a voluntary counseling session for a long, long time that evening. It was already filled out, including the section for contact information for his last psychologist- ironically enough, the one Jim has pushed him to see from Starfleet Medical back at HQ while they were still in the Acadamy.

He hadn’t seen anyone since their first run on the Enterprise.

That gap didn’t mean going to see someone now meant he had failed. It was normal to go back if something new came up, or if your situation changed, or you just wanted that extra bit of support again. That gap wouldn’t be taken as him refusing to seek treatment for a while- he’d been cleared at the time, and this was the first time his coping methods had seriously failed, even with all the crap he had to deal with as CMO of this trouble-magnet tin can drifting in the black. None of his coworkers would say anything if they found out- hell, they’d probably quietly offer their support if they reacted at all, seeking counseling wasn’t nearly as demonized as it once was.

All he had to do was press send.

 

* * *

The form was still open on his personal console when the door slid shut behind him the next morning.

 

* * *

“Dr McCoy, a word?”

Len startled a bit before relaxing again at the realization that it was just Spock. Anyone else, he would be a bit more on edge- in the week since the incident with Uhura, no one outside of his department had really sought him out at all. He didn’t think she had told anyone what he said- more than a few people would have had it out with him over that if they knew, and rightly so- but their argument had been right in the middle of the mess hall on the overlap between Alpha crew having lunch or an early dinner to finish off their shift and Beta crew grabbing breakfast or lunch before starting theirs.

Not everyone from both crews was there, of course, a good chunk of both crews- and Delta and Gamma crews, for that matter- took their meals mid-shift or skipped breakfast. As much as he hated skipped meals, it was pretty obvious why having set and enforceable meal times for each shift would be largely unreasonable- it was only safe to get down to a certain number of crew manning certain stations, and letting the departments sort it out themselves was a good, non-disruptive bonding exercise that no one ever realized was actually set for them as such since it happened without prompting. Unfortunately, that was also often where the gossip chains got one of their main foundations. ‘You had lunch with so-and-so, what did I miss?’ It had been pretty clear that most of the ship had heard about the incident within a few hours at most.

Fortunately, he could count on Spock of all people to stick to complete professionalism, especially while they were both on shift. “Lead the way.” He stood and gestured towards his office, figuring it might not hurt to talk somewhere where the noise was at least slightly dampened.

Spock nodded and proceeded, coming to a stop in front of his desk. He headed around to his side of it, giving the authorization code to lock the door so that they wouldn’t be interrupted- half his staff had a habit of barging in and rattling something off too quickly to even notice if there was someone in there besides him before they were off again to take care of something else. Not a bad habit, per se, but not so great for confidentiality if it turned out to be necessary. “What can I do for you, Mr Spock?”

"Doctor, your behavior of late has been untenable and unconscionable. You will disclose your intended method of rectifying the situation to me immediately. If, as I deem to be quite likely, you do not have one, we will develop one now. Regardless, you will take action immediately following this conversation or I will be forced to lodge a formal complaint and seek to have you removed from your position."

Len spluttered. "File a complaint- what for! I... I understand what I said to Nyota was crossing a line, but is it really worth getting me thrown off the ship?" He knew it was, really, but hopefully he would be able to request alternate remediation- his problems weren't a good reason to say something like that by a long shot, but him mouthing off because of them wouldn't be handled the same was as someone stating genuine xenophobic beliefs. While the latter might well result in a dishonorable discharge, the former was more likely to be handled by a temporary or permanent reassignment and mandatory treatment.

"Nyota is intensely distressed. It has been affecting her work ethic, the quality of her reports, and her interactions with members of the crew both among her department and the bridge crew. In accordance with regulation 31-"

"Alright, alright! Enough!" He waited a beat, fists clenched, teeth gritted, before he forcibly let go of his tension and sat down. Another moment and he slumped forward, covering his mouth with his hand. "I was already meaning to talk with her soon, I know I fucked up. I  _ know _ , Spock, but is it really hitting her so hard?"

"It is."

"Damn." He blew out a harsh breath and sat back, scrubbing his hands against his face.

"However... Nyota is not my only concern."

“Yeah?” He gave a bitter laugh. “Who else have I fucked over that badly?”

Spock visibly hesitated for a moment at his wording and just as clearly elected to ignore it, hopefully permanently. “The Captain-”

“Damn it all, not you too!”

“Doctor, refusing to engage in a mutually beneficial, and perhaps more to the point, mutually  _ desired _ romantic-”

“For fucks sake, he doesn’t want me like that!”

“Doctor, even I noticed the several very blatant signs of physical and emotional attraction directed at your person within the first week of accepting this posting.”

“What signs? There  _ aren’t _ any! He treats me the same way he does the rest of the crew, he hangs all over everyone he thinks will let him get away with it, he bats his eyes at anything with a pulse, and even with all that pick-up line bullshit that everyone seems to think cinches the whole damn deal, he used them with everyone, and don’t you dare try to tell me he didn’t- Nyota herself was complaining about it the very first day!”

“He directed them to you 83% more frequently than he did anyone else in my hearing, and ceased using them entirely with everyone except for yourself approximately 1.6 weeks after he procured the book he was utilizing.”

“He- what?”

“In the time since your refusal to accept his proposal, he has withdrawn considerably. He speaks less often outside of ship business. He is lethargic and no longer prone to seemingly random bursts of movement. I have noted several signs indicative of sleep deprivation, and I believe he may have lost weight. While Nyota has informed me that this is a common reaction to what she termed a ‘broken heart’, I fail to see how such suffering is necessary as you have now admitted quite bluntly to both Nyota and now myself that his feelings are, in fact, requited. I fail to see the logic in remaining willfully delusional.”

Len was shaky all of the sudden, hand over his mouth again. It took him a moment to collect himself, but waiting patiently where anyone else might have been fidgeting awkwardly or trying to leave as quickly as possible was one of Spock’s strong suits. “You’re really serious about this.”

“Affirmative.”

“He really... Shit, how long was he only using them on  _ me _ ?”

“One month, one week, and three days, I believe.”

“ _ Shit _ .”

“Indeed.”

“Wait, he’s stopped  _ eating _ ?”

“I am uncertain. I have not seen him consume anything, but as you know, the Captain’s quarters are equipped with a replicator. Monitoring its log is not within my purview.” That it was well within the CMO’s was very clearly stated, even for being left unspoken.

“I...” He stood abruptly, steadying himself with a hand on the corner of his desk. “I need to go.”

Spock simply remained where he was, and watched him calmly as he exited the room just as abruptly a few moments later after a failed attempt to orient himself.

 

* * *

He only realized how long he’d been standing in front of the replicator in Jim’s quarters when the door slid open. His grip on his padd tightened, but he remained frozen in place otherwise.

“Dr McCoy.”

He flinched. Jim had never used his actual name, not even once, up until now. “...Jim.”

“Is there a reason you’re in my room?”

He shifted his weight to one foot and cleared his throat. “Spock, uh... Spock came by.”

“Did he.”

“Mhm. Said something about you not eating.”

“ _ Did _ he.”

Oops. He almost felt sorry for the hobgoblin. “Mhm.”

“That doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

“Of course it does, Jim, I’m your damn doctor. Had to check your replicator to... to make sure.”

“You can check my replicator card from anywhere on the ship.”

“Jim, we both know you hack the damn thing since you’re the only one that can get to it, I have to check the log on this one.”

“Yeah, and we both know you have it wired directly to your padd so you can do  _ that _ from anywhere on the ship too.”

He licked his lips, gaze still locked on the replicator in question. He was a bit afraid of what he’d see if he turned around at this point. “I didn’t know you knew about that.”

“Yeah, well.” There was a soft thump followed by a sliding sound- if he had to guess he’d say Jim just slumped back against the door and followed it to the ground, and his next words coming from what sounded like a lower point pretty much confirmed it. “I know a lot about you, Dr McCoy. I paid attention, you know?”

“Yeah, Jim. I know.” He picked at his padd’s casing a bit.

“Why are you really here, Bones?”

It had been a while since he’d heard him sound so defeated. He took a deep breath and turned around, making sure to set his padd down on Jim’s desk before going to sit on the floor in front of him. “You know... I think you’re a dwarf star.”

“Really, Bones?” Jim curled in on himself a bit more, looking at him like he was expecting to be bitten or worse.

“Yeah, I think it fits. Extremely hot, but not very bright.”

“Bones... What the  _ fuck _ . Is this some sort of punishment? Public humiliation wasn’t good enough for you?” Oh, there we go. Not what he’d intended by a long shot, but Jim on the defensive was a hell of a lot less sad looking than a Jim who had given up.

“No, no, just. Listen, okay? Look. Just... Hell, Jim, you just said yourself that you know me, that you pay attention. Did you... you really didn’t know how I feel about you?”

“Of course not, or I would have fucking done something  _ sooner _ , you fucking-”

Len leaned forward and shut him up with a hand over his mouth. “If you pay so much damned attention to me and you didn’t notice that, what the hell makes you think I would have noticed that you love me like that?”

Jim forcibly knocked his hand away, really riled up now, visibly ready to launch himself at his opponent- hopefully he wouldn’t, Len knew for a fact he would definitely get his ass handed to him fairly quickly. He was a doctor, not a bar floor brawler, and he’d passed the required basic combat courses but he knew he wasn’t on Jim’s level. “ _ Everyone knows _ , Bones. Everyone! The entire fucking crew! Hell, Pike knows!”

He mouthed ‘Pike’ silently and then determinedly shook his head- he’d come back around to that, because what the fuck. “That’s- look, Jim, that’s kind of my point with the dwarf star thing, I mean. You didn’t... Shit, you’re so stupid in love with me that you just fucking... didn’t notice that I’m a complete idiot, okay? Just. I didn’t... I had no fucking idea, and you didn’t confess until I was literally  _ dying _ , and I thought...”

“...You thought I was lying.” He gave a bitter laugh and slumped back again. “No shit, Bones, that’s why I gave you a fucking week after you woke up before I tried again. Figured that... I thought that that’d be enough time that you’d think I’d, I don’t know, calmed down or whatever, so you’d know it wasn’t some heat of the moment thing.” He was the one avoiding looking now, teasing at a loose thread on his sleeve.

“It was, but it also... Jim.” He gentled his voice a bit, scooting in a little closer, trying to get across how serious he was. “Jim, I woke up, and you weren’t there. I went a full week without seeing you. That means I had a full week to work myself up into a good old  _ mess _ , not knowing whether you meant it or not, if you seriously wanted me or if you were just trying to give me my dying wish or something stupid like that, and to work myself into knots thinking that you weren’t showing up because I was right and you regretted it and just didn’t want to tell me.”

Jim looked at him, suddenly intensity personified. “Bones, I could never regret you.”

“That’s... If we do this, I’m gonna hold you to that.” He settled his hands flat on Jim’s knees, thumbs brushing back and forth against the fabric there. “And we’re... I think we need to set some ground rules for communication, because I think too damn much, and when I’m not doing that I’m snapping and being too damned rude or just plain old cruel sometimes, and it’s... I don’t want to do that with you. I mean, if you’ll even still have me after all this.”

Jim was still just as intense, but it was matched with hope now. “Bones?”

“Can I kiss you?”

He laughed and leaned forward, resting their heads together but not fully bridging the gap in question. “Only you would ask instead of just going for it at a time like this.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Please?”

Turned out kissing Jim Kirk was a hell of a lot better when he wasn’t bleeding to death even if Jim did still cry a little bit in the end, just from the stress of the whole thing- not that he had any right to talk, since he might’ve, maybe, just kind of, joined in for a minute or two there.

 

* * *

Len woke a few hours later, only disoriented for a moment at finding himself in a bed not his own. A quick check proved he was in still in Jim’s quarters, still tangled up with him- he wasn’t surprised, he vaguely remembered starting to drift off after a nice long talk over all things they’d known already and a few they’d successfully hidden from each other that would make them shut down or lash out or pull away, filling his requirement for establishing clear communication. They’d ended with tentative probing from both sides about what this was, what the new parameters of their relationship were. He had a feeling they’d overcomplicated the shit out of the whole thing and he knew it was definitely his fault if they had, but it would probably prove out to be worth it.

He stretched as well as he could being as stuck as he was and carefully shifted Jim a bit, using a hand under his knee to hike his leg up a little higher to remove the aforementioned joint from where it was trying to drill a hole in his thigh. He pulled a face when Jim resettled the rest of himself and part of his shoulder suddenly chilled- the jerk had drooled on him. Again.

He found he was smiling anyway.

There were still a few loose ends he needed to wrap up from this whole thing, an application to send, a few apologies he had to give, but this... He carefully, slowly ran his fingers through Jim’s hair, taking a moment to appreciate the way sleep smoothed the stress signs from his face before cuddling closer and closing his eyes. It had waited this long, everything would keep for a few more hours with no difference in the outcomes, but this? He had a feeling he’d regret every second he could be spending right here like this that he was going to end up working through or arguing away instead.

There was nothing wrong with enjoying it for a little longer just to set a good precedent, right?


End file.
